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Dropping the Gloves

Dropping the Gloves

People
posted: 09/08/2006

Senior Editor Jake Bogoch was recently hired at Skiing due to a clerical error. We regret the mistake.

Jake Says: DUH, EH?
First things first: I'm a Canadian who is moving to America. I'm looking forward to becoming a unilingual racist but that's beside the point. I'm squaring off in a debate against Marc Peruzzi, who is my boss. So before I rhetorically pull his pants down in public, I'll save everyone time and fire myself. Self, you're fired.

But really, my semiliterate neighbors to the south, by definition a debate is about irresolvable polemics. And whether it's better to ski in Canada or America is not a debate. Does Heidi Klum go around comparing herself to a girl who fell in a wood chipper? She knows better and it's not nice. But I was asked. Being a polite Canadian, I will oblige. So find a comfy place to read this, America. Put the gun down. Close the trailer door and pay attention.

Sure, the United States has decent skiing in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and Little Cottonwood Canyon, Utah, and parts of Montana. But the ski experience is a simple formula: Simply add the number of mountains and divide by crowds. America has 10 times the population of Canada and one-tenth the mountains. Shit, Canadian Mountain Holidays' heli-skiing permit area alone is bigger than the state of Connecticut. Oh, and I guess this is a good place to remind you that heli-skiing was invented in Canada. Without us you'd be praying for sun.

Now where was I? I was busy getting high and apologizing to terrorists on my way to get a gay marriage license and forgot what I was talking aboot. Right — more mountains, fewer people. And we haven't mentioned Alberta, the Yukon, coastal BC, or the UNESCO World Heritage site in the mountains of Newfoundland. So let's level the playing field, shall we? How about: Skiing in America versus skiing in 20 square miles of British Columbia on a rainy day in August: a discussion for the ages.

Hmm. That's a bit closer. I'd even consider debating that point. —JAKE BOGOCH

Now hear what Jake's boss has to say...[pagebreak]

Skiing's Editor-in-Chief Marc Peruzzi has skied in Canada three times. If he goes again he'll bring antibiotics.

Marc Says: CANADA WHO?
To paraphrase Dan Aykroyd (another Canadian who fled the windswept void you call home): Jake, you ignorant slut.

First off: What's this talk of "mountains" in Canada? Last I checked, the tops of your ski hills are aboot 500 metres lower than the parking lots where we boot up here in the Rockies. From a satellite the Canadian Rockies look like a rash — probably picked up from rolling in moose shit — between the massive shoulders of the real Rockies and the Alaska Range. If we could only apply some cortisone to clear up those BC bumps. Frankly, Jake, you'd be better off if the land were farmed: The clear-cutting is almost complete anyway, it rains enough up there (all winter), and with global warming you won't have to worry about getting the harvester stuck in the snow anymore.

As for your "more mountains, fewer people" equation, did you forget about Alaska? I think so. Quick overview: We bought it from the Russians in 1867 for seven million bucks. Made it a state in 1959. If, like most mossy Canadians, you want to ski solo, we've got lots of mountains up that way — including 6,194 - metre Mount McKinley—and not many people. If you get lonely, well, you've always got your Heidi Klum scrapbook.

Crowds? Yes, we get crowds, but there's a reason. You see, thanks to elevation, most Western resorts here get this light and dry snow we call powder. Anyway, it's really fun to ski in, especially when the sun (a big bright orb that warms the earth) is out for its 300th appearance of the year. It's enough to get men and women (never mind, it'll just depress you) out skiing in large numbers.

Damn, I wish you could experience all this, but you fired yourself. Anyway, Canada's not so bad. Kokanee is almost as good as Bud; The Red Green Show is nearly as funny as Home Improvement; and who besides Canadians would have thought you could make garlic bread out of hot-dog buns?

I gotta go, there's a twister heading towards the double-wide. "Little dude! Get the guns and head for the crawl space!" -MARC PERUZZI

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