Getting between a guide and your girlfriend is kind of like getting between a mama bear and her cubs. Do yourself a favor-don't go there. A male backcountry guide is dangerous, unpredictable, and understandably horny. Unlike freshly scrubbed, well-socialized ski instructors, guides are not suavely bedding clients after gourmet dinners. They sleep in shacks or tents, and sniff the putrid fumes emitted from other men's skivvies. They forget what estrogen smells like. Of course, it doesn't smell at all. But guides don't need to know this, or any biology, really, because they're rugged, dashing mountain men and you're just a jamoke with a credit card. As he massages your girlfriend's loins into her harness, the lusty goat reckons he can get even closer. Can he? Well, when was the last time you bought your girlfriend flowers? Oh, right, you bought her a guided backcountry trip. Sucker.
Related Articles
A week of backcountry ski-mountaineering and camping in the Weminuche Wilderness of Colorado.
If you’re heading on a ski trip to Austria or Switzerland and you don’t want to spend the entire time carving groomers or getting lost on unmarked off-piste runs, pick up a new Freeride Map, which will show you where to find the steeps, powder, glaciers, and more.
If you’re caught in an avalanche, Backcountry Access’s new Float 30 backpack will give you potentially life-saving flotation and neck support and make you more visible to rescuers. A rip cord on the pack’s shoulder strap releases compressed carbon dioxide that inflates a 150-liter air bag. Want to see that airbag inflate? We have video.
It takes years of training and experience to become an expert in avalanches and backcountry safety. We sat down with Brian Lazar, the executive director of the American Institute for Avalanche Research and Education, to talk about getting buried, why being a guide makes it tough to have a relationship, and skiing in Russia.
With their new avy beacon, the Tracker 2, the crew at Backcountry Access hopes to change the way skiers deal with slides.
Kris Holm unicycled down Whistler Blackcomb last winter. Will unicyclists soon invade your mountain? We asked him, and here's what he said.
Skins sure have changed since the days of animal fur. Here are five new technologies to help you get uphill faster and easier.
The Secret is Revealed
A starving writer and a small-town resort battle over ski-pole amnesty.
Jackson Hogen
Your Comment
All submitted comments are subject to the license terms set forth in our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use
