Is there a backcountry guide who won't hit on my girlfriend?

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Snow Reports:

Arapahoe Basin open H 66° L 41° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow 2" Lifts Open 4 of 8 Base Lower/Upper 53/53

Ashcroft Ski Touring closed H 70° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of Base Lower/Upper /

Aspen Highlands closed H 70° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 5 Base Lower/Upper /

Aspen Mountain closed H 70° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 8 Base Lower/Upper /

Aspen/Snowmass Nordic Trail System closed H 70° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of Base Lower/Upper /

Beaver Creek closed H 69° L 39° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 25 Base Lower/Upper /

Breckenridge closed H 66° L 41° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 31 Base Lower/Upper /

Buttermilk closed H 70° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 8 Base Lower/Upper /

Copper Mountain Resort closed H 67° L 40° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 22 Base Lower/Upper /

Crested Butte Mountain Resort closed H 69° L 39° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 16 Base Lower/Upper /

Crested Butte Nordic Center closed H 69° L 39° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of Base Lower/Upper /

Devil's Thumb Ranch closed H 69° L 37° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of Base Lower/Upper /

Durango closed H 64° L 34° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open 9 of 10 Base Lower/Upper 47/51

Eldora Mountain Resort closed H 71° L 40° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 11 Base Lower/Upper /

Gold Run Nordic Center closed H 66° L 41° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of Base Lower/Upper /

Grand Lake Touring Center closed H 68° L 40° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of Base Lower/Upper /

Irwin closed H 69° L 39° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 1 Base Lower/Upper 80/80

Kendall Mountain Ski Area closed H 60° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 1 Base Lower/Upper /

Keystone closed H 65° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 20 Base Lower/Upper /

Loveland Ski Area closed H 68° L 39° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 9 Base Lower/Upper /

Monarch Mountain closed H 75° L 45° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 6 Base Lower/Upper /

Powderhorn Resort closed H 79° L 47° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 4 Base Lower/Upper /

Purgatory at Durango Mountain Resort closed H 80° L 39° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 10 Base Lower/Upper /

Silverton Mountain closed H 60° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 1 Base Lower/Upper /

Ski Cooper closed H 59° L 32° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 5 Base Lower/Upper /

Ski Granby Ranch closed H 69° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 5 Base Lower/Upper /

Ski Hesperus closed H 77° L 44° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 1 Base Lower/Upper /

Snow Mountain Ranch closed H 69° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of Base Lower/Upper /

Snowmass closed H 67° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 21 Base Lower/Upper /

SolVista Basin closed H 50° L 28° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open 0 of 5 Base Lower/Upper 24/25

Steamboat closed H 76° L 49° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 18 Base Lower/Upper /

Steamboat Ski Touring Center closed H 73° L 50° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of Base Lower/Upper /

Sunlight Mountain Resort closed H 74° L 42° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 3 Base Lower/Upper /

Telluride Ski Resort closed H 60° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 18 Base Lower/Upper /

Tennessee Pass Nordic Center closed H 59° L 32° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of Base Lower/Upper /

Vail closed H 67° L 40° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 31 Base Lower/Upper /

Vail Resorts Nordic School closed H 68° L 40° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of Base Lower/Upper /

Vista Verde Ranch closed H 69° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of Base Lower/Upper /

Winter Park closed H 68° L 39° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 26 Base Lower/Upper /

Wolf Creek Ski Area closed H 79° L 38° 24 hour snow " 48 hours snow " Lifts Open of 7 Base Lower/Upper /

Getting between a guide and your girlfriend is kind of like getting between a mama bear and her cubs. Do yourself a favor-don't go there. A male backcountry guide is dangerous, unpredictable, and understandably horny. Unlike freshly scrubbed, well-socialized ski instructors, guides are not suavely bedding clients after gourmet dinners. They sleep in shacks or tents, and sniff the putrid fumes emitted from other men's skivvies. They forget what estrogen smells like. Of course, it doesn't smell at all. But guides don't need to know this, or any biology, really, because they're rugged, dashing mountain men and you're just a jamoke with a credit card. As he massages your girlfriend's loins into her harness, the lusty goat reckons he can get even closer. Can he? Well, when was the last time you bought your girlfriend flowers? Oh, right, you bought her a guided backcountry trip. Sucker.

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