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Only Gapers Ski in Shorts

Features
posted: 05/03/2004

We don't care how warm it is. Don't ski in shorts. Please.

Oh, shorts are okay if they're part of a costume-say, a Dr. J getup complete with a seven-cubic-foot 'fro wig. Costumes are always welcome, encouraged even. But wearing shorts for coolness? That ain't cool.

Behold the shorts-wearing skier: Often, he tops his Hawaiian-print trunks with a long-sleeved North Face jacket. Note the similarities of this wardrobe to the mullet haircut-business in the front, party in the back. See how his dark knee-high wool socks peek above his boots, separated from his shorts by a few inches of pasty, wrinkled knee. Why? To emulate English schoolchildren? To sting his flesh with ice when he falls? Does he think wearing shorts on snow makes him a rakish free-spirit? No. It makes him a fool who traded the technical wonderment of pants for a negligible increase in ventilation.

You'd think anyone who could understand how a shower curtain works would appreciate the water-deflecting properties of ski pants. Think again. Shorts will no doubt haunt a mountain near you this season.

Don't you be the one wearing them. Once you gain infamy as a guy who skis in shorts, your street cred will go down the tube...like a glob of snow slides down inside your boot if you're not wearing any GOD DAMN PANTS!

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