Ski Tips & Wise Cracks: You Know You’re Jonesing To Ski When…
Shhh. Hear that? It’s the telltale signs you wanna’ ski right now.
Paddy O'Connell takes on the perplexities of summertime livin' as a ski bum.
So, there I am, clicked in, tips over the edge. Upslope wind rips across the ridgeline. Tiny, crystalline spears swirl about and pepper my goggle tan. But I pay no mind to the snow in the air. My focus is with the snow on the ground. I am looking down at 2,000 vertical feet of untouched powder, my pitched arena of perfect, unaffected, glorious deepness. It is what snow scientist define as the gnar. I drop in. And right as I am about to make my first creamy turn I wake up in a puddle of sweat on my bed. Because it’s still summer. And I’ve just had my first ski dream.
FOMO, fear of missing out, and the closely related FOMA, fear of missing action, are problematic mental maladies for a skier to deal with during summer. The Interwebs is currently exploding with images and videos of South American ski magnificence. When perusing IG photos of WME skier Amie Engerbretson’s recent visit to Portillo, Chile, one can actually hear FOMO and FOMA reactions. It sounds like the combination of a dump truck unloading several thousand pounds of gravel and your first break up. What’s worse; when combined in the minds, hearts, and soul’s of skiers, FOMO and FOMA create FOMZS, fear of missing zeeeee-schkiing.
FOMSZ is the first and most noticeable sign of summertime ski jonesing. Here are some other notable, albeit covert, signs that you really, really, really want to ski right now.
Have you found yourself trying to swipe right on your favorite mag’s gear guide? Have you found yourself giving come-hither winks to your ski boots? Have you found yourself inviting your skis to a romantic dinner that features vanilla scented candles and the musical stylings of Sade? You’ve got hungry eyes. If powder skiing was a millennial, it would categorize you as v thirsty af.
When your passionate ski-lationship hits the summertime skids and you experience lackluster levels of intimacy, vibrancy, and frothing whoohoos, find something that releases periphery enjoyment.Dr. Stokenstein recommends using a cheese grater to shave ice flakes into your face.
THAT BURNING YEARNING
Does it burn when you ski? Get to the doctor. Dr. Henry Stokenstein of the International Academy of GNAR says, “Prolonged ski longing can cause a skier to create an idealized perception of the ski experience, an unrealistic mental picture that can lead to traumatic disappointment. Summertime ski yearning is the dangerous result of neurological underpinnings and depleted levels of stoke. Seek the stoke, amigo. But yeah, summer sucks, bro.” When your passionate ski-lationship hits the summertime skids and you experience lackluster levels of intimacy, vibrancy, and frothing whoohoos, find something that releases periphery enjoyment. Dr. Stokenstein recommends using a cheese grater to shave ice flakes into your face.
Sierra Quitiquit charges a sunny line in Iceland in Warren Miller's "Ticket to Ride".
Are you experiencing different types of ski love?
- Friendship—“Let’s hang together, skiing.”
- Companionship—“I feel a platonic closeness to you, skiing.”
- Romantic—“I wanna’ open mouth kiss you, skiing.”
- Fatuous—“I wanna’ open mouth kiss you and get super handsy, skiing.”
- Infatuation—“I’ve been breaking into your house and watching you sleep, skiing.”
Are you experiencing the different stages of ski love loss?
- Denial—“I don’t think I ever loved you, skiing.”
- Anger—“I hate you, skiing, you stupid jerk.”
- Bargaining—“Just kidding. Come back to me. I got brand new wax and boots and neon zinc and those poles you like…”
- Depression—“I can’t get out of bed, skiing.”
- Acceptance—This stage occurs on the first powder day of the year.
Unfortunately, the only way we can truly rid ourselves of FOMZS is to ski. Sadly, we’re a few months away from that. Your only real option is to curl up in an emotional ball on the couch in your favorite grubby grey sweatpants, watch your favorite ski films, and pine over your long-lost love. Don’t forget to eat junk food. Oh, and weeping, weeping helps, too. Happy heartbreak, friends.